As I am staying at home, with Time After Time during the break of Covid-19 covered by Laptop and Ipod playing in the background on repeat, I decided that I needed to document what was running through my head as the run happened.
Forgiveness. I’d like to talk about forgiveness.
I think there haven’t been too many instances in my life where I had to (really) forgive someone. I am not talking about petty wrongs that people had done unto me, but rather, grievances that I had to live with for a matter of months or years. I had a little moment of epiphany earlier – letting go of that anger and hate was also me letting free that part of me holding on to that negativity. It does not come with any conditions; it does not matter what the relationship between me and that person is like, it does not matter whether that person is still in my life, it does not matter what that person thinks of me. Letting that anger and animosity go, is me setting myself free.
I think it is almost selective amnesia in action. I’ve always thought that selective amnesia must be the body’s natural defence against unhappiness. “Is it delusional then – if you are just choosing to forget whatever “wrong” people had done unto you?” You might ask.
Are those who have “wronged” always entirely at fault? How often have we really put ourselves aside and were in the other’s shoes instead? There is always two sides to every story, isn’t it? And we’re always more drawn to that side that puts us in the good light. Perhaps we were misled. Perhaps we were mistaken. Perhaps it was ego. Perhaps it was a moment of folly. Perhaps it was curiosity. Perhaps it was greed. Perhaps because we were all human and it is human to err.
I will look past your anger. I will look past your negligence. I will look past your absence. I will look past your silence. I will look past your wrongs.
I do not even wish for you to forgive my anger, negligence, absence, silence and wrongs. All I wish for you is peace. And love. Really. And all these are done in love. I do not know how to love in all its righteousness, but I do know that love keeps no record of wrongs.
Tina Yuan